HEAVEN AND HELL

I’m not sure I’m particularly proud of this incident, nor can I really say I’m ashamed of it either.

Okay, that’s a lie! I am ashamed! A little, teeny-weenie bit ashamed! But what I can do is look back and say, ‘yes, I’ve been there and done that!’

One Fine Saturday, February 2010

It was beautiful Saturday evening in Bangalore, one that didn’t deserve to be wasted. I was at home, studying, going through some of my notes and getting ready for the GATE exam that I was going to take the next day. Come to think of it, I don’t think I was really studying. I knew it was a fucked cause! I knew I was wasting time over last minute revisions. I knew all I had to do the next day was go to the exam centre, strip off my jeans and undies, bend over with my ass pointing at the examiners and say: “take it! It’s yours!” That just about sums up my level of preparation for the test. 

So, it was obvious when Kaushik came and called me to go on a bike ride with him and enjoy an absolutely divine February evening, I’d say, “fuck, yeah!”

It was seven in the evening by the time we reached Brigade Road. Neither of us was in any kind of shopping mood, and hence our stroll along the length of Bangalore’s most happening street, was rather aimless. KFC passed by to our left followed by McDonalds and Subway without either of us giving a shit. But that’s when I felt it, a faint, yet an unmistakable sound of my tummy realizing that it was empty. I looked at Kaushik who was leaning against the railings on the pavement while happily staring and smiling away at the massive cleavage of a girl who had bent down to buy a piece of junk jewellery off a pavement vendor!

“Dude,” I said nudging him, my eyes transfixed on the valley of lust.

No response! Kaushik was lost.

I cleared my throat which was quickly drying up, “Dude!” Man! The cleavage was awesome!

Still no response! I had to do something fast before the both of us landed up in jail!

“Hey, ASSHOLE!” I screamed into Kaushik’s ear and elbowed him hard.

“Huh? What?” Kaushik replied, dazed and still in a trance!

“We gotto go, man! I’m starving,” I said, grabbing his arm and yanking him away from the path of a well built and menacingly approaching boyfriend who had just caught him drooling.

“Yeah, me too,” he replied, slowly getting back his composure. He looked around and completely seemed to bypass KFC and co. “Nope, nothing to eat here!”

“What the fuck are you talking about, dude!” I asked, flabbergasted. “McD’s and Subway are right there!” I said, pointing directly across the road.

“Naa…,” he replied, shaking his head. “No booze there.”

“Fuck the booze, man! I got a test tomorrow,” I said, trying to remind him of the predicament I was in.

“That’s alright,” he replied cheerfully. “I’ll drop you at your test venue tomorrow.”

“You sure?” I wasn’t convinced.

“Oh, absolutely, man!” He said, perhaps a little too cheerfully!

“Hmmm..okay,” I mumbled, still convinced this was a bad idea. “Where do you want to go?”

“Well, let’s go to Styx!”

“Shit! That’s a pub, man. I don’t think I can afford a pub now!” I was being honest.

“That’s fine, man! We’ll have pitcher of beer and fuck off from there, okay?”

Still not convinced, but, “okay” I replied.

Styx is rock pub on MG Road. There are a lot of rock pubs in Bangalore, and Styx is perhaps the loudest. It is more of a metal pub and I am and never was a metal fan. Which is why just a pitcher of beer seemed unconvincingly fine to me.But then again, pubs are like magic castles made of cookies and cream. Once you’re in there, there aint no coming out!

We stepped into the dark and black interiors of the pub. A waiter soon showed us our seats and they were perfect. Giant screens all around played classic rock videos which slowly and covertly set the mood. We ordered for a pitcher and a plate of chilly pork. As the beer began dissolving into our bloodstreams and the sounds of Clapton, Hendrix and co filled the pub, we knew we were fucked! Or at least I did!

The pork was absolutely gorgeous. N I honestly lost count how many plates of chilly pork we kept ordering. Before we knew it, somewhere between Nothing Else Matters and Fear of the Dark, our second pitcher came in and our fourth plate of chilly pork. That’s right! The fourth! By the time the fifth plate came in, I was beginning to feel guilty and bad for the pig that got slaughtered to satisfy us. Maybe it was the beer thinking, but I couldn’t have any more pork. I felt I was turning into one.

Between Holy Wars and Last Resort, our third pitcher got served. This was seriously fucked! Bands like Children of Bodom, Lamb of God, and Opeth instead of making us head bang our heads clear off our shoulders seemed to be serenading us! In the meantime we decided to switch to beef from pork! A taste of the beef made us realize rather fuzzily over our beer drenched brains that we couldn’t afford anymore starters! They were amazingly good and very addictive. Shit, I think we were drugged!

By the time Return to Serenity came one, one of Kaushik’s and my favourite songs, we were too sloshed to even scream. No, wait! We did scream. Like girls, though. I felt as though the bones in my body had vapourized. I couldn’t stand straight and neither could Kaushik. We were five pitchers through and I just wanted to die! I had a fucking GATE exam the next day and from the looks of things, no one was going anywhere.

We somehow managed to clear the bill and stood up. I walked a few steps forward and tripped over a chair onto a group of girls who were having a good time. It was a genuine trip, not a cheezy attempt to grab some ass or boob! “I’m so sorry, ladies,” I said, holding the backrest of a chair for support while standing back up. “Clearly, I’m drunk!” I said, smiling.

There were five girls sitting around a table having cocktails and bites and I fell between two chairs onto the table. So, no boobs or asses! No drinks were spilt either. There were giggles and snickers with a few hands over a few mouths and my apology seemed to beseech louder giggles.

“Would somebody be ever so kind as to help me out of here?” I slurred, still smiling, looking at all the girls one by one. “I’d rather go on one of your shoulders rather that his,” I said gesturing towards a ridiculously muscular bouncer. I leaned forward as though revealing classified information, “is it just me or does he look like a fuckin’ mountain?”

The girls erupted laughing loudly. “You sure you wanna go now?” a fair, skinny girl wearing glasses asked. 

“You could join us for a few rounds. Anushka’s going to Paris for her master’s!”

I looked at Anishka and whistled. “Wow, Anushka! You’re hot!” She was!

The girls laughed louder. I searched for Kaushik, who had by then made his way out of the pub.

“Look, girls,” I said, slowly, carefully choosing my words so that I do not fuck up and make an ass of myself. “Thank you so much for the offer, but I really have to decline. I’m totally wasted, man!” I flailed my arms across each other exaggeratedly. “And do u know what’s worse? I have a fucking test tomorrow!”

“Wow, seriously?” Anushka said, surprised, “You gotto be some kinda nerd to be getting wasted a day before a test!”

“Well, this wasn’t planned! And I ain’t no nerd!” I slurred, melodramatically sticking my index finger forward as though proving a point. “Congratulations, Anushka on Paris and good luck! I’ll see you ladies around.”

I grabbed on to another chair and tried to stand up straight and mentally map a route out of the pub. I was a complete gonner!

“Wait,” Anushka said, getting up. “Let me help you out.”

I looked at her and smiled, “why, thank you! You’re a true lady!”

“Wow, are you so full of cheese when you’re drunk?” Anushka laughed while wrapping her left arm around my waist as I held on to her shoulder. Oooh! That felt nice!

I laughed a little, “when I’m drunk, yes! When I’m sober, no!”

“I’m sure you’re not,” she said, as she guided me out of the pub.

“Bye girls!” I turned to wave at the group of girls.

“BYEEEEE,” they all waved frantically back.

As I exited the pub and let go of her, I saw Kaushik having a cigarette on his bike. He saw us exit the pub and walked up to me. He looked at me, then at Anushka and back at me. “I assume you’re not coming home tonight, then!”

“See, Anushka, this is what my friends think of me!” I said faking innocence.

“Why am I not surprised?!” Anushka replied, with her hands on her hips.

I laughed out loud and she soon joined in, taking poor Kaushik by complete surprise. He seemed as though he walked in to a Mickey Mouse movie only to realize that they were showing The Saw.

“Is he in a condition to drive?” Anushka asked, noticing the sorry state of affairs.

“Lady, I can drive a truck now if I have to!” Kaushik exclaimed.

“Good luck with that,” Anushka replied with a smirk.

“You see what I’m getting into!” I said with a wink. “You better pray on your way up!”

She laughed haughtily. “You sure you’re drunk?”

“He is, I’m not!” Kaushik replied.

“Good luck, buddy,” Anushka said, throwing her arms wide to hug me.

I am an opportunist! I never miss a chance to hug a girl, especially a hottie! I immediately went in to her arms and hugged her back. “All the best for Paris!”

“Thank you,” she replied, turned around and left.

I proceeded towards Kaushik’s bike and sat behind him. I swear to God, everything ahead of me was a blur. I felt my face to make sure I had not forgotten my glasses. I had not.

It was almost eleven at night and all I could see was the blur of tail lights and street lamps. I am not particularly a religious person, but that was the day I actually figured out Carrie Underwood’s Jesus Take The Wheel, and I wished he did.

But we made it home. The moment we stepped inside, Kaushik rolled out the mattress and was getting ready to crash.

“Buddy, you sure you’re gonna drop me tomorrow?? The reporting time’s nine!” I asked him, reminding him of what lay ahead the next day.

“Oh, absolutely, man! How many times have I dropped you off at the airport at preposterous times?” Kaushik defended himself.

“Okay then,” I smiled, completely unaware of the impending doom that was about to hit me the next day!

Sunday, The Next Day

I was woken up by the sun streaming through the little slit between the curtains. I rubbed my eyes as I realized I had slept in the hall itself on a pile of shoes as my pillow. I sat up and was instantly engulfed by a searing pain ripping through my head, like a sniper had just blown my brains all over the place. I couldn’t sit straight and felt around for my phone to check the time. All I needed was an extra half an hour. I eventually got my phone.

8:15 am.

Fuck! Fuckity fuck fuck! Fuck a duck fuck!

Rajajinagar, the exam venue was 20 kilometers from home, which in a city like Bangalore meant at least an hour or more. I was dead! I couldn’t even get up for starters.

Even though most of the build up was a blur, I will try and recollect as much as I can!

I did not brush or even take a shit. There was no time. In fact, I was going to have to play with time to make to the venue. Kaushik was right beside me. He seemed dead!

“Hey, asshole!” I screamed into his ear, shaking his shoulder violently. “It’s half past eight!” I was panicking!

“Hmmmm,” he moaned, pulled over his blanket and shifted onto his other shoulder, away from me.

Fucking asshole! I was so dead!

I put on a random t-shirt and an even more random pair of jeans and stormed out of home. Out on the street, I was struggling to keep my eyes open against the glaring sun while trying to stand straight and keep my mind away from that dump I had not taken. I was a wreck.

I waved frantically at the first auto that passed my way and luckily he was empty.

“I’ll pay you one and a half times the fare if you can get me to Rajajinagar in half an hour,” I said, squinting at the autowallah, trying to fight the sun’s reflection off his mirror.

Believe me, my man flew!

Lingrajpuram, Queen’s Road, and Malleshwaram just whirred by as though I were on the USS Enterprise that had just gone into hyperdrive.

Five to nine and I was standing outside the exam venue among all the other students who had turned up on a Sunday for the test that would decide who would do a master’s in technology at the IITs or a PhD with a government scholarship. No shit!

I checked my roll number and room number and walked in.

And then my stomach rumbled, and it wasn’t signalling hunger! Fuck! I ignored it and walked towards the exam hall and took my seat there. As I sat down and the pressure on my stomach increased, my stomach rumbled again. Shit, this was not going to end well. I bit my lip and grit my teeth trying to keep my shit in.

The invigilator walked in and gave his usual instructions which seemed to bypass me. I was more focussed on not embarrassing myself and my chances of accomplishing that were fading by the minute. Shit was literally Knocking on Heaven’s Door and I was Fighting for My Life.

Half an hour and numerous eenie meenie maini moe’s and inky pinky ponky’s later, I knew I just had to take a dump! I looked around me. The nerds were furiously doing complex calculations on their calculators and scribbling papers. Some were scratching their heads, some were doodling with their pens, and others just stared blankly into their question booklets. What the fuck was I going to do? I felt I could not take it anymore. Fuck this!

“Excuse me, Sir,” I said, standing up.

The invigilator walked up to me: “yes?”

“Sir, I need to go to the loo real bad,” I whispered below the audible levels of all the others in the room.

“I don’t think that’s possible. You’re not allowed to leave the room once the exam starts.”

“Sir, you don’t understand!” I protested. “This is a matter of life and death!”

The invigilator paused momentarily, reflecting on the possible implications of what I had just said.

“Well, this is against the rules,” he said, “but you can leave your stuff here and go. Remember, you will not get any additional time.”

“I don’t think I need any extra time,” I replied feigning confidence and superiority. I actually did not need any extra time. I was going to hell anyway!

I walked out of the room nonchalantly, trying not to invoke any suspicion. The moment I stepped out of the room, I ran! I ran so hard, Usain Bolt would have been proud! I instinctively figured out the location of the washrooms, ran in, stripped and unleashed hell on earth!

No words can describe the relief I felt and trying to describe it would be doing sever injustice to what I felt. Let’s just say, in the words of the great Bryan Adams, I Thought I’d Died and Gone to Heaven!

Ten minutes later, I was back at my desk and many more inky pinky ponky’s later, I was done with the exam! Disastrous was one way to describe it!