Part 1
Communication Breakdown
New Year’s Eve 2011
Henry and his girlfriend, Teddy, walk into 7 Days
Supermarket in Kamanahalli, Bangalore. They buy all that they need when
suddenly Teddy remembers that she’s out of moisturizers back home. She walks
over to the section displaying the extensive range of lotions and moisturizers
brought in both locally and from abroad, sending Teddy into a tizzy. She picks
up lotion after lotion, moisturizer after moisturizer, flips them around,
sharply scrutinizes their ingredients, manufacturing dates and prices, and
neatly puts them back with a dissatisfied grunt. None of them work for her.
Henry, who has been standing behind Teddy all this while
begins to fidget and randomly picks up a colourful looking bottle of body
lotion and hands it over to her. Teddy takes it, follows the same scrutinizing
routine as before and smiles.
Teddy: So, is this for boys or for girls?
Henry: (frowning) Well, it doesn’t look too girly nor does
it look too manly.
Teddy: Why don’t you
take this over to the counter and ask the salesgirl? I’ll go through a few more
bottles just in case it’s for men.
Henry: Sure!
Henry walks up to the counter, puts the bottle down on the
table and smiles at the salesgirl. In the meantime, Teddy joins him as well.
Salesgirl: How can I help you, Sir?
Henry: Well, I just wanted to know whether this bottle of
lotion was unisex.
The smile on the salesgirl’s face suddenly vanished and an
expression of confusion, shyness and fear took over as though she was stripping
naked for the first time in front of her boyfriend. She pours over the bottle,
reading through every word, every line and every statistic printed on it.
Confusion, shyness and fear gave way for panic as she turned
pale, not knowing how to handle Henry and Teddy.
Henry: (whispering to Teddy) I swear, Teddy, I didn’t grab
her boobs!
Teddy: (chuckling) I know, right! Just look at her face!
Henry: (aloud) Excuse me, miss, but is that lotion unisex?
Salesgirl: (hesitating and pale) Ummm….n…n..no, S…S…Sir!
This is n..not for s…s…sex, Sir!
There is an explosion of silence which lasts for a whole
minute, as though everyone is absorbing the magnitude of the reply the sales
girl had just vetted out.
This is not for sex!!
And then Henry and Teddy erupt into a loud raucous laugh. The
salesgirl nearly has a heart attack as she grabs on to the desk for support and
saves herself from collapsing.
Henry and Teddy leave the supermarket, still laughing their
lungs out.
True Story!
Part 2
The Mallu Connection
2012
Ashish and I walk into a restaurant run by Keralites. Two
really good looking girls greet us.
We smile and enter the restaurant. The little place is under
renovation and we look around for a place to sit. There was a huge dining table
which took up the entire place to our left and it seemed as though it was
reserved. Further down was the kitchen where an elderly lady, who also happened
to be the owner of the place, stood working frantically away in the kitchen. There
was a Bihari helper running around, cleaning tables and arranging the place.
I look at one of the girls and smile.
I: (in the most articulate English) Where do we sit?
Girl: (gesturing behind me) You can sit there if you want.
I: Oh, cool. Thank you!
Ashish looked at me and chuckled.
Ashish: Stop flirting, dude!
I: Can’t help it man! She’s one of those exceptional looking
Mallus!
I wave my hands at her and she walks up to me and we have a
long chat on their tiffin system.
I: This is Tanni’s Kitchen, right?
Girl: Yeah, Tanni’s my mom. (She nods her head in the
direction of the kitchen).
I: Aah, I see. Well, it’s been a while since I’ve wanted to
drop in here and check this place out.
Girl: Really? How so?
I: Well, I kind of bumped into your flyers which are all over
the place and I love Kerala food.
Girl: (laughing) Then you would love this place. My mom
cooks awesome Kerala style food.
I: (smiling) Well, I think I already love this place.
Girl: (blushing profusely and hanging her head) Oh, thank
you!
Ashish kicks me from under the table and gives me a stern
look.
I: So what’s on the menu today?
Girl: Can I bring you biryani?
I: (frowning) No, not biryani. I think we’ll have fried
chicken with chapattis.
Girl: Are you sure? That’s gonna take time.
I: Yeah, we want to try something new.
Girl: okay then.
I: So, I’ll see you around then?
Girl: (giggling) sure, and I’ll see you around too!
She walks away giggling away and shaking her head.
Ashish: Dude, seriously!
I: what?
The Bihari comes up and I speak to him in the most fluent
Hindi with no accents or grammatical glitches. I asked him to bring some water
and wipe the table.
Soon the food arrives. Deep fried chicken, chapattis and no
gravy or dips.
I: Bhaiyyaji, yaar, gravy lana please.
Bihari: Haanji Sir. Laa rahe hai.
He brings us nice and thick chicken gravy, which within
minutes gets devoured.
I: Bhaiyyaji, gravy lana please.
This time he brings fish gravy and no one has that with
chapattis. Ashish and I have a good laugh over it.
Ashish: Mallus!
I: Yeah, man. Mallus!
So we ask for some other gravy and this time we get dal with
shredded coconuts.
I: Fuck! What’s with Mallu’s and coconuts!
Ashish: (laughing) Coconut dal! Shit, man!
But somehow we manage to have our food and finish off with
the chapattis. And then the lady comes out and stands near the door and looks
at us.
Lady: Ninakku oru chapattiyum koodi veno? (Do you want
another chapatti)
I’m flabbergasted!
I: How in fuck’s name did she know I was mallu?
Ashish: (laughing uncontrollably) Shit, man!
I: It’s not like us Mallu’s have an inbuilt GPS system which
goes off everytime we meet another Mallu.
I’m embarrassed. I speak in articulate Hindi and English,
giving absolutely no indication of my ancestry. Yet, I get owned.
Ashwin, another Mallu and roommate of mine seconds my
thoughts of us having a navigation system.
Ashwin: Most
of my professors in college were from the north and we used to speak in proper
English. And then from nowhere, a Mallu teacher comes along and starts off in
Malayalam. We really do have an inbuilt GPS system, man!
